there's so much thing i can... cry abt right now.

i'm sick of accomodating with people's mood and their ways of doing things.
i dont like to be force to do things which i dont like. i dont like to act like i'm ok while i'm not.

and i'm tired of... always having that thought of giving up.
i know... i know, once i am to rly give up.. my future's bleak.. i wont have a simple diploma to even try to find a small little stand in this big society. i dont need anyone to point this out to me but.. sometimes, that fking thought is just there.

to be frank, this is not what i want.. at all. and i kept telling myself.. it's destined, i just have to accept and get over with it.. and i'm actually growing to get interested in the way kids go abt.. but... nvm. i'm still trying to fit into poly life despite 2mths of entering and a 2 wk break in between. it's just a whole new experience and this time round, i'm having difficulty to get things right.

i can easily find 10 reasons to study hard.. and i know i must.
that's why... i know i cant give up. that's why i'm trying my best not to entertain those thoughts. i know, at the end of 3yrs.. most likely i'll be glad i stayed on..

but..
.
.
there's so much to worry. so much to... care.
everytime i decide to make a decision, i'll get damn worried, scared that ppl will get unhappy, upset... or even angry with me. i know i can always show the "i-dont-care" attitude.. yet whenever i showed it.. i felt guilty afterwards. i tried to give in as much as i can.. but i feel damn shit whenever i do that.. no one will give a damn abt how i feeeeeeel. it's just taken for so granted..

my parents are sometimes too busy for me and i've to admit.. sometimes i'm also too busy/tired to actually talk much.

i look forward to weekends, every week.
it's the time when i can talk non-stop, speak as i like.. and crap as much as i can. working always seem to make me feel happier, despite the fact that sometimes.. we rly have to endure other's attitude. somehow or rather, i always manage to feel happier when at work.

it's only during weekends, my talkative self is let out. i can talk non-stop, work non-stop with working family at work.. i can go home and talk till 1-2am with my mom, with yvonne and... still feel that it's not enough. i can sleep till 9am-10am in the morning and it's such a.. wow thing to be...

everytime sunday night crept in.. i'll feeeeel quite down.
i nvr do look forward to mondays, it meant a draggy day filled with lessons and 3hrs break. and a wk of. assign, proj, tests............ everything but fun.

alot of times, ppl tells me.. "enjoy studying now, next time you'll miss it.." and.. i miss secondary sch life more. even during O's period, i manage to find joy every now and then.. to cheer myself. and now, i cant.. cant, find much of a reason to cheer myself.

sometimes, thinking of pampering myself a little.. i'll be thinking..
waste of money.. i work so hard just to pamper myself? and most of the time, i'll regret the moment i pampered myself with a treat or sth... just, one family meal with my entire family can make me happy for very very long.. and because of my parents' working timings, this is so rare...
小时候一直以为的……原来都是假象……
小时候的笑容……我找不回来了。现在的我许要很久很久才能相信别人……
小时候被呵护的我……必须学着长大。但我根本不想长大……
小时候的一切……为什么就能那么简单？根本不用为任何事烦恼，根本不用假装快乐……

i never used to think that much, until these 2yrs... everyone has their worries and mine always seem so insignificant compared to those of others. i cant, just say out everything abt how i feeel at all anymore.. it will just be a laughing stock to others. it seeeeeem so silly to get upset/tired over sch, family, friends...... and myself.

this world dont seem that simple anymore. sometimes, others have a motive of being nice to you and.. yet you dont know a shit abt it. sometimes... they simply just tried to care for us and yet, i'll get wary.

it's getting contradicing. my life.........

i dont like crying and i hate it when i cry.it makes me feeeels weak, fking useless and yet, everytime i gave in to tears. for days, i've been enduring all that feelings in me, keeping it to myself and not allowing myself to whine over some things....

everything seem to feeeeel so heavy. the load's getting on me.....i feeeel as if, i'll just shut anytime...

i'm struggling with managing my life. it seems so screwed up right now....... and i dont expect anyone to help me. it's my life afterall and i should decide for myself..
i'll pick. myself. up..

counting down..
3 more days to fri... -something to cheer on.

i need to find a day, to give myself a full day break..
just, doing nothing.. and wasting my life.. with tv prog, with sleeping.. i need to recharge alr. it has beeeeen freaking long since i get a day like this. months..
everytime i get a day like this... something crops up. and again.. i gave in all the time. it's just sth others expect from me..

i neeeeeed a break.. in august.
from everything. just a whole day to myself only.. no phone calls, no sms.. no msn.

that's also the max. amount of time i'll allow myself to pick up my life..